Hi everyone, it’s Dannie. Since October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I thought I’d ask my mom to write a guest post about her experience being in an abusive marriage. Each year, over 10 million Americans are subjected to psychological and physical abuse from people they love the most.

It is important to note that domestic violence is not limited to physical abuse. Abuse can also be emotional, financial and sexual. Every type of abuse is serious and no one deserves to be abused for any reason.

I watched my father physically abuse my mother for many years. The emotional and psychological impact of his actions and words will continue to influence me for the rest of my life.

If you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or visit their website to chat online 24/7.

How is abuse defined?

The CDC National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS)

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This is my mother’s story:

I didn’t know what domestic violence looked like back then, but the first time he put his hands on me (because I didn’t arrive at his house at the time he thought I should) made me think that he was only showing love and concern.

He took his hand and pushed me in my face! I was shocked and I stopped breathing for a minute. I simply said, “Okay, I’m sorry”.

I’m sorry?

How was I sorry that he pushed ME in my face?

This was the beginning of our relationship, before our first child, Dannie, was born. He pursued me with love, gifts, dinners, concerts and the like but I ignored that very clear red flag.

Abuse Is Not Okay

Over time, the abuse started to become more frequent. He slapped me for looking at an ex-boyfriend while he passed us on the highway once and then started making me sit with my back to the windows in restaurants.

We broke up shortly after Dannie was born and he began seeing other people but he didn’t want me to do the same. He would use “seeing Dannie” as an excuse to come by my mother’s house and harass me. I had to press charges against him to try and get him to stop after he broke one of the windows out of the front of her house.

After that, a few months passed and he began to pursue me again. I really believed that he had changed for the better this time, so I gave him another chance.

We got married a little later that year and had a son shortly after. Unsurprisingly, things didn’t change. He started back hitting me and verbally abusing me again. Not only that but he was also sleeping around with several women as well.

I would leave but I always went back after receiving a laundry list of promises he had no intention of honoring.

I went to the church for help. The Pastor and others lovingly offered prayers and advice, but I knew it wouldn’t be long before one of us would be dead. Honestly, it would have been me because I was weak, terrified, and completely exhausted.

We Have To Escape

I will never forget the night of February 10th, 2000. After being married to him for 8 long years, our relationship hit a point where I knew we had to escape.

He came home that night from his girlfriend’s house, in a rage, and began taking his anger out on me. His fists woke me up from my sleep, he pulled me out of bed screaming and shouting and started destroying everything around. He took the dinner I left out for him and threw it against the wall, shattering plates and drinking glasses as if it was nothing.

I slept on the couch that night, terrified and praying to God, “If you let me survive this night, I promise I will leave and never come back…”

The articles on domestic violence are great, filled with information on how to leave safely by making a plan. Yet, I had no plan. I had no money and I had no idea what I was going to do to get out. All I knew was that if I lived until the next morning I would never spend another night in our home.

The next morning I woke up and operated like I was on autopilot. I got the children to school and I went to work all day. I promised the kids that I would take them to the Monster Truck show that night so I kept my promise like everything was normal.

All I cared about was making the night seem perfect for my children. While they were having fun, I was playing out scenarios in my mind of how the rest of the night would go.

I had absolutely no plan! These were some of the questions I asked myself:

What am I doing?
Where will we go?
Will he be outside the Coliseum when we got out?
Did he notice our things were gone?
Will he kill me and take my children?

I walked out of the show with my kids and we were still safe.

Finding a Safe Place

I didn’t have a cell phone so I stopped on the side of the road and made a life-changing phone call. My mother was the first person I thought to call and I asked her, “Can I come back home?”. Thankfully she said, “Come on, we’ll make it work out somehow”, and so I went.

She had a two bedroom apartment that she shared with my brother. She had a sofa sleeper, so the kids slept on it and I slept with my mom in her room.

You know, that fool didn’t even realize we were never coming back until that Monday!

I stayed with my mom for two months until I was able to get an emergency apartment through the Government Housing Authority.

So just like that, I left my abusive relationship, without a plan. I didn’t even think about the next day.

Didn’t think about grabbing any school records that I would need to enroll the children in new schools. I left my job without even letting them know where I was going.

There was no time to break down or cry. For the first time in almost 8 years, I suddenly realized how strong I was!

I escaped without a plan and I vowed to never allow anyone to put their hands on me ever again. I left because I knew our lives depended on it.

That was 18 years ago.

My daughter is 28 now and she’s in a loving relationship with her husband. She knows her worth because I didn’t have a plan. My son is now 25 and because I didn’t have a plan he’s making a life for himself on his own.

Because of them, I can share our story. They didn’t have to grow up without their mom.

This Doesn’t Have To Be You

You may be a woman in an abusive relationship right now, without a plan. He has alienated you from your family and friends and he tracks your every move. He controls the finances and monitors your phone calls.

You may have to remember your story about how you got your bruises or why can’t make it to girl’s night out or family functions.

You might even believe him when he says that he will never hit you again but he will and somehow it will be your fault.

If you’d lose weight.
If you would wear this instead of that.
If you didn’t burn the dinner.
If you would just do what he says then he wouldn’t have hit you.

He won’t stop!

You may not have any money and you may not have a vehicle to get away as I did but now you know that you don’t need a plan!

There will be an opportunity when he’s not looking. He won’t suspect that you have found your STRENGTH.

If you have children, they are depending on you to save them and yourself.

If you were waiting for a sign, this is it.

Trust that what is unknown now will be revealed to you in time because it’s time to make a change. We’re not promised tomorrow or even the next hour.

You are one of God’s beautiful creations and you were not meant to be abused. Don’t allow anyone to steal your joy or your life.

You can get out and thrive because starting over doesn’t have to be feared. So, exhale! Go now, but by all means, DO IT SAFELY.

You may not do it the same as I did but I know you can do it and you know it too! You’ve known for a WHILE now.

Find your own source of STRENGTH. It may not mirror my journey but trust the process.

I wish you nothing but happiness and a new life full of love, joy and certainly peace.

There’s nothing more valuable and that’s all a part of God’s plan.

— Monique Simone