Wanting to improve your finances is terrifying when you don’t have any role models in your circle to show you the way. You’ll encounter feelings of loneliness, hopelessness, doubt, and fear on your way to financial freedom.

But, what happens when you reach the point of financial stability and look around to see friends and family members who are still drowning in debt, pity and excuses?

How do you maintain relationships and your sanity?

I was raised primarily by a single mother who never got a grasp of her finances. From minimal education to divorce and section 8, my mom always seemed to scrape by. We had what we needed but it never seemed to be enough.

I always thought that my brother and I were a burden to my mom and that once we left our home, everything would turn around for her…but it didn’t.

Until this day, she continues to struggle financially. Her income continues to increase but so do her troubles.

What I’ve realized is that money cannot fix brokenness. Money is never the solution to internal chaos. If you don’t first start healing yourself from within, your external circumstances will always the be same.

How do you maintain your financial stability and sanity when everyone around you has their hands out? After multiple requests for money and being made to feel responsible for her bad financial choices, I decided that the only thing I would give my mom was advice and space.

Why did I start saying no to my mom?

Well, Suze Orman said it best on one of her recent podcast episodes, “Sometimes helping is hurting and hurting is helping”. If I continued to “help” my mom it would only hurt her. She is in the situation she is in due to her addiction to struggling. Not due to bad luck, tragedy or circumstances outside of her control.

My mom doesn’t have any money because she chooses not to have any. Yes, being broke, for most people – is a choice. If you spend every penny you get and don’t have to, it’s a choice. If you have the means to become financially stable and decide to waste them, that my friends is a CHOICE.

I will not and cannot help my mom because it would threaten our financial stability that WE’VE fought so hard to attain. Why do you think the airlines tell you to FIRST put on your oxygen mask before helping someone else?

You are no good to anyone if you don’t take care of yourself first. Would I help my mom financially if she truly needed it? Sure, but ultimately I realized that she doesn’t truly need financial help. In many cases, people don’t want to put in the work it would take to change their circumstances. Whether they don’t care, don’t understand or just enjoy being miserable, sometimes you have to know when money isn’t the answer.

The society we live in makes it seem like we should feel responsible for everyone else’s problems simply because of their relationship to us. To be honest with you, I feel like that should not be the case. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do for people other than point them in the right direction and let them sort things out on their own.

Remember, you are only in charge of your story.

How does this apply to you?

This blog post is in no way meant to suggest that we should all abandon our family and friends when they’re in need. What this post is meant to do is to bring to light the FACT that you can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves. You have to learn the skill of saying no.

It comes to a point where not helping is truly the best thing you can do for a person. Encouraging them, sharing information and being there is enough. Do not guilt yourself into feeling responsible for someone else’s mess because I guarantee you that they don’t feel responsible for your financial issues (plus, they probably don’t have the means to help you either way).

So, continue securing your freedom and don’t allow anyone else to sink your boat with their victim tears.

$tay Wealthy Friends,

— Dannie